My first night in Maastricht was a disaster.
I rode a cab from the airport not knowing that Maastricht was miles away (boy! that's a big lesson in geography).
I didn’t get to find my house right away (even if the cab has gps already).
I have felt the ever-elusive feeling of panic (I rarely panic…it’s not one of the major softwares God gave me).
When I finally reached my dorm, I cried.
I haven’t cried for a long, long time.
I have never felt so alone, so exhausted.
It got me thinking…why am I doing this? Of course, the answer didn’t came after a few weeks, (I know, which got you thinking that I have been wondering this foreign city directionless, and yes I was…but not anymore) as I sat down inside my class, listening to the tutor (they don’t call them lecturer here) God made me realize that I am already living one of my wishes, one of the things that I prayed so hard about.
It was over-whelming, suddenly I get to realized why I am there (or here).
It gave me a sense of reason.
It brought back the same feeling I have when I was in my country.
Suddenly, I am no longer lost.
No longer exhausted.
Yes, I do miss my life in the Philippines, my family, my friends, my students, chuck and all the things that Manila has, but for now I must admit that being here is worth all the troubles not because its for free and it somehow open doors to the limitless possibility of learning, but because I got back the one thing that I have lost for quite sometime…
And what is that?
It’s for me to know and for you to find out ;)
As I write this piece I am trying very hard to be polite and not to ruin the thin line of testimony I have in my life.
Ever experience depression and you can’t even point out the areas that you feel depressed about?
What if it is a mixture of everything that is going on in your life? and you just ignore and ignore and ignore, until such a time that ignoring is no longer good enough.
For the past few months I am so angry…no, not angry but in rage.
I sometimes feel sorry for people around me who would commit the slightest mistake because I would be more than happy to shove it in their faces.
The question is why am I in rage.
I was asking myself ‘what the hell is happening to me?’ and I would often say to myself, if by any chance, am I/might be a little cuckoo in the head…
I hate my situation where in I wanted more but, I couldn’t get anything more.
I envy people who has opportunities and use these for their own benefit and if you asses, mankind would have been a little better if they could have at least think of themselves less.
I hate that I was born in a third world community.
I hate that most Filipina get away with marrying foreign men and act as though they are above everyone else!
I hate struggling because of the existing class war. I am not rich so I cannot act as though the world is my oyster and I am not poor so I cannot act as though I am helpless. Damn this flight of the middle class!
I hate thinking that at my age I have day job, that I do not excel in this lame excuse for a day job!
And I despise the thought that amidst all of the heart aches I cannot resign from my current work because my guilt would get the best of me.
But God knows how much I wanted to leave.
Its like dragging my feet with a metal ball. I have no motivation, nothing to look forward to, nothing that would give me reason to smile and most of all I know for a fact that I cannot offer anything.
I hate my point of view because it is not conventional, it is not intelligent and it is not something that would help me impress people.
I hate the place where I am! It is me who is bothered by the entire situation, it is me who feels the burden, it is me who is fearful that every single relationship around me would backfire.
I hate the feeling of not fitting in.
I hate the paranoia that people talk about me, when in fact, it is true. They talk about me. Every single thing about me and how weak, how dumb and how I do not measure into anything.
I hate that idea that I am always being put into a situation where I have to do something and in the end I’d be the bad person, when in reality it is just me that helped them, that wanted to make the situation better, and when the truth would come out I would be the most convenient fall person.
I hate that I cannot even put some hate statement in this blog because I know that someday I will regret it.
I hate all these feelings and I wanted to get rid of it.
It’s a cliché that I would tell you that life is unfair, by now you already know that. And I do not understand myself because I still feel hurt and upset thinking that the concept of ‘unfairness’ is only available to people like me…
I have been praying every waking moments that I’d feel better.