GUY: jen kailan mo ba ako sasagutin?
(Naiinip na eh!)
GUY: Jen alam mo bang ang ganda-ganda mo?
JEN: Oo naman, considering na transvestite lang ako. kabayo na nag co-cross dress.
(Baka bastedin nung lalaki yung sarili niya)
GUY: Alam mo jen you're special?
JEN: Ano ako GOTO W/ EGG? Special mong mukha mo!
(Pwede din akong palabok!)
GUY: Kung liligawan ba kita sasagutin mo ako?
JEN: Bakit hindi? ang dali-dali mong sabihan ng 'sorry' eh.
GUY: Jen hatid na kita sa inyo?
JEN: Bakit di naman ako maliligaw ah! ikaw pa iligaw ko!
(Loko! ihahatid daw, gagamit na lang ako ng mapa!)
GUY: Jen alam mo bang exotic ka!
JEN: Ano ako isda!?
(May hasang ba ako inay!)
GUY: Jen kung bibigyan kita ng love letter babasahin mo ba?
JEN: Oo naman, tapos pag tatawanan ko! gusto mo ba edit ko din?
GUY:Jen kung bibigyan kita ng love letter babasahin mo ba?
JEN: oo naman basta dugo mo ang pinang sulat mo!
GUY: Jen flowers para sa iyo
JEN: Noooooooooooooooo! isang dosenang ari ng bulaklak!
*my personal favorite
GUY: Jen mahal kita
JEN: Bolero! Manloloko! Lasing ka na naman! Hulihin nyo 'to o...nangloloko!
Try to laugh with these...
*Note: These are all TRUE STORIES
STUDENT: Mam jen CR ako...
JEN: CR ka? akala ko tao ka?
(how could i be that blind?)
CO-TEACHER: Ok class we will be having a recitation today, what can you say about PREMARITAL SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE?
JEN: o bakit ka umiiyak?
CO-TEACHER: e kasi yung boyfriend ko...
JEN: Na naman?
CO-TEACHER: ewan ko ba ang tanga-tanga ko...mahal na mahal ko kahit gingawa akong DOOR KNOB
(DOOR KNOB ka? akala ko tao ka?)
JEN: Naku manong guard sandali na lang po...pack up na po kami...
GUARD: Suri mam, may CARPYU po kasi eh...
CO-TEACHER: Buti di ka napapagod sa ginagawa mo...
JEN: Nakakapagod pero kailangn kasi may ON HANDS training yung mga kids...
(Ano daw sabi ko!?)
one funny thing that i remembered back then is the issue on 'ligaw', once there was a friend of mine who labels her self as somebody 'mega conservative' so conservative that she let's a guy court her for 4 years (all through out our college years) and that includes the common dating rituals (eg. hatid sa bahay, sundo sa bahay, libreng lunch, snack, minsan pati barkada niya, flowers, chocolates and of course tons and tons of 'papuri' form the guy like ang ganda mo, bagay sa iyo earrings mo and the likes). finally i had the perfect oppurtunity to ask her why that long? why four years? and then she answered with out blinking 'because we want to get to know each other'.
yeah right! like that's gonna happen! hah! get to know each other better, come on! that is the most hillarious statement i have heard that year. let's try to disect this matter so that we can understand it better.
point number one.
'ligaw' literally means ligaw, mislead. every guy you know will mislead you on this stage because he would only put his best foot forward so that you would give your 'matamis na oo'. it's like allowing him to lure you. hah! talik about submission.
point number two.
flowers. flowers. more flowers! i asked a couple of people what does flowers mean? what does it signify? they said it represents sweetness, love and the best part is the color and the type of flower has meanings too. if you try to disect this you would ask your self, is there a book that contains all of this? like da vinci code or something? now here is my wrath, flowers are the reproductive organs of all plants. if that is the case men are giving the women they claim to love or like 'vaginas' of plants. iw.
point number three.
chocolates! who doesn't want it? but the thing is chocolates has endorphines or happy hormones that takes effect when you eat it. *thesame reason why when your sad people would advice you to eat choco ice cream so that you will feel good) so, while eating you will be thinking of the guy who gave it to you, thus, you will feel good about the guy. shucks!
now, you question me on what to ask for a guy? nothing. women are intelligent. we don't have to be lured into relationships. don't even begin to think that i am cheap (and so what if i am?), it is just that i truly believe that if the guy was delivered by christ into your life, no amount of luring, no type/kind or color of flower, no brand of chocolate is needed to prove to a woman that you will do her good, that she will grow in all aspects of her life and that you will walk hand and hand in spreading God's words.
why settle for somebody who is presently there when you can have somebody who has the 'best quality'. and don't even begin to tell me that is impossible, it is not, with god nothing is impossible.
then they laugh (at that point i try to understand that it is not my face that is funny, maybe it is my personality, now if that could be true should i not feel bad about myself?)
well, i came up with a lists of my unforgettable punchlines which some of you can use to brighten up your day:
From a classic college story, one time i came to the classroom and i saw a friend of mine he was looking weary so i asked him-
JEN: O bakit ang lungkot mo?
FRIEND: Wala..may problem lang sa bahay...
FRIEND Ewan ko ba feeling ko isa akong BLACK SHEPHERD
(the minute i heard the word black shepherd, i knew something was wrong but i wasn't able to pin point it there and then)
FRIEND: Jen kain ka muna ng pruits...
JEN: Sige, ano bang meron?
FRIEND: Affles, Oranges meron ding Finya
This is a favorite in JSI
BOY: Miss Pwede ka bang ligawan?
JEN: Ngayon na?
(Daig ng maagp ang masikap!)
Try this masaya
STUDENT: Mam ang ganda nyo ngayon ah...
JEN: Kung maganda ako ano ka pa? Diyosa? tandaan mo papatayin ko kung may mas gaganda pa iyo!
Try this if you'd be a speaker for a seminar
FACILITATOR: Mam, how do we address you?
JEN: (All smiles) Former binibining pilipinas universe
*the facilitator will laugh her/his heart out as soon as she copes up with the shock
Try this if you fel like you want to be hurt
Look at a person you don't know and start teasing him/her with an inanimate object (eg. chair, desks, ballpens)
When somebody asks you what is your profession tell him/her with out thinking twice that you are a 'MUSE'
JOB TITLE: MUSE
JOB DESCRIPTION: To inspire and to be beautiful at all times.
Act like Melanie Marquez
(though personally i like her)
Talk to my mom (she's ilonga)
NANAY: Jini, tilipon
JEN: Sino daw po nay?
NANAY: Jime daw...
Now was that Jaime or Jimmy...i guess i have to find out...
Save the best for last.
Note: This is a true story
Listen to your father as he sing 'PUFF THE MAGIC RACOON'
*partida videoke yun...
So then I started to have tour of my book Word Origins and then I found the oddest word foundation, woman came from the English word wifman which means a ‘wife plus a man’ . And I was like “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”…Of course I have this feeling that my daily dose of anxiety is slowly creeping in, I realized that I should observe one hundred percent feminist outlook…(in an extra proud manner) for I am a woman!, then again I realized what do I mean when I say feminist? Well…(While talking to the audience) Of course a thinker like me knows what it means…feminist means…uhmmmm…it means you always entertain bad thoughts…or was that pessimist?…Oh, oh I know it means your immature or was that childish? (to the audience) now, don’t look at me like I don’t know what I’m talking about…I know what feminism is…in fact if I may declare I am one of them…don’t give that look…I am…believe me I am…what do you mean I don’t look like one…FYI my mother is a feminist…what do you mean she’s a housewife wearing a yellow apron…how dare you!!! You stop it okay…If you don’t stop it…If you don’t stop it…babatuhin kita ng kissa!!! Oh really now…I accept your challenge…I will prove to you and to everybody that I am a feminist!
First, I know for a fact that “Women constitute one half of the world’s population, we perform nearly two-thirds of the world’s tasks, and sad to say receives one tenth of the world’s income and worst we own less than one-tenth of the world’s property” , talk about being a loser…but what I don’t understand is that if that would be the case then why are we still referred to as the weaker sex? Hmmmm…actually we hate it! I mean we hate to be addressed in that manner…who wants to be refferred to as somebody weak…like helloooooooooo!!! We hate the concept of categorizing, oh! by the way I let myself use the word categorize because as of this moment majority of the population living in this world refuse to use the word ‘discriminate’, for it is politically incorrect. Perhaps they live in an alternate universe where health cutbacks does not constitute women, a place where politics is not male dominated and a situation where the knight-in-the-shining-armor syndrome is nonexistent.
Second, though I am planning to have my breast augmented just like Claudine…Excuse me, I will just augment it…I am not going to fix my breast…my breast is just fine, it just needs a little improvement…I mean I for one can afford it, I have money you know…nevertheless, even though I am planning to have my breast augmented just like Claudine I despise the exploitation of women on television, isn’t bad enough that most men in our country dwell on the fact that women with a fair complexion and big boobs are considered to be beautiful if not attractive, I mean come on…Filipinas are not mestizas…that is one hell of a mistake…Filipinas are ‘morenas’ that is why they need kissa papaya! Notions like that should be corrected from the inside, I mean isn’t that a little bit shallow that you begin to have a false impression of a filipina whom you know since you were a kid. In addition, I also spurn the sight of “almost” naked women in noontime show. They are beings with brains, brains should be use, you use the brain when you begin to educate. Then the question would be…Is there anybody who volunteers to educate them? To tell them that they have the ability to say NO if they feel exploited? That they have an option not to capitalize on their bodies?
Third, though sometimes it’s flattering specially if Piolo would be the one to commit the act, We hate it when men sees us as a piece of meat! We are not meat from the sleekiest market in town, in fact sometimes I feel like I’m an armani suit that most men like to wear…it hurts me, why? What do you mean why? You know what, when you sell your brain…it’ll be really, really expensive…you know why? Of course you don’t know why…It has never been used! Well that’s enough, again We hate the very thought that men looks at us as though we are a piece of meat…we are not…believe it or not our existence have a purpose and that is to live in absolute equality. Why do we have to symbolize alcohol, cigarettes and other God forbidden vices? I mean why men model it…they are the primary consumer of the product? Wait! Yes…tito boy! Okei tito boy…bye tito boy! It’s tito boy I have to cut this short…I have an appointment, What? Well I happen to love antiques!
So what am I trying to point out? pure and simple. Women are intelligent. That is flat fact. Now don’t begin to ask me for proofs I might give it to you and I need more than 365 and ¼ days to enumerate them. For men like John Nash, Pierre Curie, and John Kennedy a woman’s wisdom has become evident that history even took notice of it. I came here to tell you that women ‘always’ think…like men we also had the opportunity to acquire a ‘brain’ and we intend to use it. And one more thing get rid of the quote ‘behind a great man is a great woman’ We don’t need to be behind any man, we can be beside them or even in front of them. Let us put into argument the long time dispute regarding women empowerment. Women Power is not a theory nor a concept it is an existing truth that needs to be practiced and prime. For years we have been combating Human Rights specially dedicated to women. Let us put a stop to it. Let’s practice it.
Entry for the Opus League Competition
St. Scholastica’s College
And for years, I have been listening modestly and patiently on what they have been saying… 10 percent comment about capitalism, 10 percent comment about equality, 25 percent comment about social strata and a humongous 55 percent comment about Good Governance. They say that our country lacks it. That our country should have it!
But what I forgot to ask them is What is good governance in the first place? Does it mean that if our country would have this, it would belong to the first world? that if our country could acquire this, then there would be economic stability in our country? If our country can have good governance, does this mean that we can have a fair share on the issue of WTO? Or should we even use the word GOOD and GOVERNANCE in one sentence?
A couple of years ago, issues have been heaping up in our country, workers demand for the P125 across-the-board increase which was not really met, issues about Indigenous Community Militarization, which again killed dozens of Aetas, Manobos and Hanunuo since our indigenous brothers did not agree with the conversion of their tribes’ land into militarized areas, a series of Oil price hikes and then a few rollbacks which just like the previously stated events all ended in favor of lobbying groups. If you will take a look at all of these issues, they have a common ground…they are all government concerns.
The Philippine Government has been claiming all along that it is democratic…that we are very lucky since it is one of the freest countries in the world…that our government was made by the people, for the people…that our government system is IDEAL. Come to think of it, ideal is synonymous to perfect and since grade four my often quoted motto is NOBODY is PERFECT. In this context, I could safely assume that the Philippine Government has been lying all along, that its claim about idealism is a lie.
I am 18 years old. I am a student. I value education. I try to be an asset to my country. But I can only do so much. While most of my peers value signature items and gossips about their latest varsity crushes, I prefer to sit down and ask questions about my country. If government officials have been claiming that ours is an ideal form and I find out that it has been lying all along…what should I do?
To be honest, I do not know. Perhaps the answer would be to demand good governance from each citizen. But the problem is that the youth, like me, lack influence in formulating public policies. Our exclusion is caused by both external and internal barriers. The external barriers have to do with a ‘culture of apprehension’; reflective of the generation gap that tends to breed a sense of mistrust and misunderstanding between adults and youth. It is also reflected in the government and other decision-making bodies that do not bother to involve young people in policy development. Instead, young people are generally treated as the "next generation" and "leaders of tomorrow." The internal barriers relate specifically to youth, who often fail to see themselves as actors in decision-making processes. This is partly the result of never being taught that they have a role to play in making policy decisions, and partly a result of youth organizations lacking the necessary skills and strategic thinking to make inroads into policy circles. This brings me to the query Does it have something to do with budget cutting on educational funds every time there is a national emergency? Why does it have to be the educational funds?
I remember when Nelson Mandela delivered his speech in the African Youth Convention. He firmly stated that a time comes in the life of any nation when there remain only two choices - submit or fight. And as of this moment I believe that there is nothing left for the youths of today to do but to fight and demand for good governance. It is our right and it is our responsibility.
Involving us young people in policy-making is important. It provides opportunities to build skills and learn from experiences that will serve us well throughout our lives. It will help us combat cynicism about politics and politicians, It will give us a first-hand understanding on how decision-making processes function. It will strengthen the civil society - will demonstrate the value of the public sector and of public service. At the same time, it will give us the chance to participate in the development of communities – in social, economic, cultural, and political terms. Lastly, it will help us disprove the multitude of negative stereotypes about youth that continue to exist.
Asking questions does not mean one is practicing treason. Demanding for an answer will not make one commit sedition. I call these two involvement. Youths are not ‘next generation’ scenarios, we are happening today, this very minute and we are assets longing to be tapped by our country. We should not be afraid of growing slowly, we must be afraid only of standing still…Of doing nothing for the country that has been our shelter, our protection, our home.
Good governance is not a gift. Youths like us have the right to Demand for it...Work for it…and Assume Responsibility for it. Who so neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future!
Entry Chest Foundation
Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila
There goes that face again, wipe it off, wipe it off!…every time I would tell people about my “profession” they stare at me as though I am the oddest person alive…No, I don’t want to be just a stunt woman…like most struggling actresses, I do aspire to be some type of a star…mega star, superstar, star for all season, star apple, falling star, five star, star fish, star dancer and the likes…me, I want to be- the Universal Star! Nooo…what do you mean it’s a brand of fireworks, Lusis? What Lusis?…hmmm…it means I would be popular both in and out of our country…I would be our country’s pride, our country’s Mascot?…you ha! Nooo…I am a very good actress…in fact back in college I got 1 flat on my drama and reforming arts…my teacher told me that I’ve got potential…ah…the good old days…the days where in I got to recite lines…today I am very lucky if I got to improvise and the director would always take a shot of my back or my 35 degree angle…Sometimes at night…tears would flow from my eyes…a hungering pain would creep in my chest…then I start to sing the aches that I feel…Bongga ka day! Bongga ka day! Sige lang… Sige lang…Itaas ang kilay mo! Ngayon!
Yeah…I feel unhappy at times specially at the rate of the Philippine movie industry…our countrymen is to some extent uncanny when it comes to movie preference…allow me to discuss…
Filipino loves action flicks…action movies where the lead character will never die, immortal would be the precise term…even if there are batallion straying bullets to him…the lead character would always manage to defeat them all…he would carry with him a magical 45 calibre…why magical? Because it will never run out of bullets! have I mentioned that the lead character is always a target shooter…3 to 5 kilometers and he would still hit the target! Is the bullet sometime of a heat sensor?
Of course if there is a lead character then there will be a leading lady…somebody fair, somebody weak, somebody with a nose bridge as high as the Eiffel tower, somebody who has boobs courtesy of Dr. Vicky Be-lank! Hmmm…I am a little carried away…but rest assured that this leading lady needs to be rescued and once rescued this leading lady would fire guns at her abductors not so surprisingly she would always hit them…and get a load a this…she never fired a gun in her life!!! Can we consider that to be a skill?
Of course prior to the kidnap they have to ‘make love’ they would have an opportunity to have physical contact, they would share an ‘unforgettable night’ together…was that the reason why the leading lady needs to be rescued…because they need to share another ‘unforgettable night…hmm…maybe that is the reason why at the end of the movie they would always share a passionate kiss? Would that kiss lead to sex? Can we consider that to be premarital?
And every time she would attempt to escape she would fall down and get hurt making it easy for the bad guys to get her again! Of course, once they catch her, her clothes would be torn into pieces exposing her fine, voluptuous and well characterized form…hmmm…thank you very mush science!
Filipino action flicks always evolve on the theme revenge! Somebody was killed, somebody from the family tree of the action star, his father, mother, sister, brother, grandparents, grandparents of his parents, friends, enemies, pets, acquaintances or somebody he doesn’t know…ahhhh…there goes your plot! And once the lead actor finds out the near dead body of the father, mother, sister, brother, grandparents, grandparents of his parents, friends, enemies, pets, acquaintances or somebody he doesn’t know would still recite a five page dialogue…which will never include the person who executed the crime…every time he would mention the name he would see the glowing light at the far end…
During the stunts there will be ‘unreasonable explosives’ trees would explode, water would explode, grass would explode and if a car would explode it would convert into a junk first! My director calls this cost cutting!
On the duel scene both the antagonist and the protagonist on the middle of gun firing would recite dramatic lines as long as the Sumulong highway…would you believe that, and once face with each other they would both find out that their guns don’t have bullets, so they would throw it away, and begin a fist fight…that would last for about 15 minutes and they would get cuts on the following body parts, the corner of the upper right eye brow, the lower left of their lips and a bleeding cut to the neck…
Naturally one of them would see a gun and they would fight over it, until the antagonist will accidentally pull the trigger towards his body, talk about a loser! Infact, antagonist in our country is poorly developed…picture this, a guy wearing leather jacket, with the temperature in our country…let me remind him we are a ‘tropical’ nation, he has to address his groupies as ‘mga bata’, he would always hold the gangs meeting in an abandoned warehouse or in more popular terms ‘bodega’ and he has to wear shades all the time…is he a vampire?
Lastly, the Philippine movie reflects the Philippine Police as somebody who is always late! The police would arrive after all the bad guys have been killed by our action hero…they would be in uniform or in some silly head ‘do’…
It is bad enough that our country was defined as semi-feudal, semi-colonial in terms of working orientation, it is bad enough that our country values social classes, it is bad enough that our country categorize its people in accordance with the social orientation, it is even worst how the Philippine cinema depicts our lives.
Out of ten cinema’s 8 would be foreign film, which includes pathetic horror films from our neighboring countries and 2 local flick which would only evolve into two main theme an extreme interpretation of life like a family of prostitutes or a massacre gone extremely mad or a fairytale elucidation of the Philippine society…a rich marrying a poor, an educated falling for somebody who wears a leather vest and would recite ‘taas na kamay ko sa iyo, mahal na nga kita palagay ko eh…maging sino ka man!’ totally weird! Our movie industry is like everything you want to happen in your life, it is so ideal…sad to say ideal is synonymous to perfect…in this semi-feudal, semi-colonial world there is no such thing as perfect.
Time for my take…
Entry Bedan Grail
San Beda College