As I write this piece I am trying very hard to be polite and not to ruin the thin line of testimony I have in my life.
Ever experience depression and you can’t even point out the areas that you feel depressed about?
What if it is a mixture of everything that is going on in your life? and you just ignore and ignore and ignore, until such a time that ignoring is no longer good enough.
For the past few months I am so angry…no, not angry but in rage.
I sometimes feel sorry for people around me who would commit the slightest mistake because I would be more than happy to shove it in their faces.
The question is why am I in rage.
I was asking myself ‘what the hell is happening to me?’ and I would often say to myself, if by any chance, am I/might be a little cuckoo in the head…
I hate my situation where in I wanted more but, I couldn’t get anything more.
I envy people who has opportunities and use these for their own benefit and if you asses, mankind would have been a little better if they could have at least think of themselves less.
I hate that I was born in a third world community.
I hate that most Filipina get away with marrying foreign men and act as though they are above everyone else!
I hate struggling because of the existing class war. I am not rich so I cannot act as though the world is my oyster and I am not poor so I cannot act as though I am helpless. Damn this flight of the middle class!
I hate thinking that at my age I have day job, that I do not excel in this lame excuse for a day job!
And I despise the thought that amidst all of the heart aches I cannot resign from my current work because my guilt would get the best of me.
But God knows how much I wanted to leave.
Its like dragging my feet with a metal ball. I have no motivation, nothing to look forward to, nothing that would give me reason to smile and most of all I know for a fact that I cannot offer anything.
I hate my point of view because it is not conventional, it is not intelligent and it is not something that would help me impress people.
I hate the place where I am! It is me who is bothered by the entire situation, it is me who feels the burden, it is me who is fearful that every single relationship around me would backfire.
I hate the feeling of not fitting in.
I hate the paranoia that people talk about me, when in fact, it is true. They talk about me. Every single thing about me and how weak, how dumb and how I do not measure into anything.
I hate that idea that I am always being put into a situation where I have to do something and in the end I’d be the bad person, when in reality it is just me that helped them, that wanted to make the situation better, and when the truth would come out I would be the most convenient fall person.
I hate that I cannot even put some hate statement in this blog because I know that someday I will regret it.
I hate all these feelings and I wanted to get rid of it.
It’s a cliché that I would tell you that life is unfair, by now you already know that. And I do not understand myself because I still feel hurt and upset thinking that the concept of ‘unfairness’ is only available to people like me…
I have been praying every waking moments that I’d feel better.
At first I really liked emotional songs that talks about break up and the likes. For me artists who pioneered this kind of movement was like CS Lewis or John Irving. Men who are born with an ability to enlighten other people…then I get to realize that what he’s doing is a little un-gentleman.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t despise him or his kind. Its just that, try to think of it in this manner, a girl broke your heart and you made a song about it and let the global village listen to it, then boys/men would relate to it making it an anthem and directing it to every girl who broke their heart, now that is unfair!
I mean come one, you get your heart broken and you get to have…what? album sales, for a therapy, this one ‘awesome’ (imagine me saying this in a sarcastic voice). Its like exploiting something to gain something else. Its not bad if you only exploit yourself but obviously your motivation in creating a song is the woman, who is nameless and faceless but you used her so that you cant generate a song that would ease the pain that you are feeling.
You get your heart broken and you’d have legions of fans adoring you and looking at you as the voice of their generation, now that’s remarkable. Love and getting your heart broken is something that everybody had experienced (or will experience) it is inevitable, it will happen. What you’re doing is like kissing and telling only it is not the kissing that you are narrating but more of the ‘breaking’, heaven’s what is the difference?!
You get your heartbroken so its okay to practically trash the character of the woman whom you think caused you pain. Sure, sure you didn’t name names but don’t you think that the person would get it? That her guilt would probably get the best of her?
If this is the case, I believe that most of the song is self serving.
It is but a product of temporal hate that needs to be channeled but unfortunately was directed to a wider audience who does not truly get the meaning of the song because it is SUBJECTIVE.
Perhaps you people are too emotional because you lack sleep. Go to bed.
You want to know what a heart break is?
Its not when your long time crush finally had a girlfriend and its not you.
It’s not about your boyfriend finally realizing that he doesn’t love you anymore.
It’s not even you realizing that the one you love will never love you back.
Heartbreak is when you realize that the quest for knowledge is finally over. That the time and tide does not truly understand the ache and the pain of not being able to max out the opportunity of learning something everyday.
Heartbreak is when the passion that you have all dried up. Not because you ran out zeal or enthusiasm, but because your students does not find you interesting enough. And they are not even discreet about it. As though, every time that they would deliberate tell them something substantial but they turn the other cheek.
A heartbreak is realizing that you wanted to be the one who would make the ripple that would cause change in the society and then realizing that nobody wants to join your ripple. That what you are saying every waking hour is as good as dozing off.
Heartbreak is when you realize that you need to get out of the institution because the students does not share the same sentiments much more vision of how you want them to be.
Finally, heartbreak is knowing that you wanted them to be a better person but they refuse to be one. I wanted them to be exceptional. Outstanding. Far more better than me.
I have been heartbroken.
Many, many times.
And I am tired.
And I am suffocated.
And I need a reason to stay in this universe.
…But I cant.
The feelings I have for the past few months seems to be vague and fuzzy.
This is the period of my life that I suddenly felt unsure of many things and that I finally came into admission with the thought that I am not exceptional. I have come to admit that I am just like any other soul…Normal. Typical. Average. Mediocre.
I have just finished reading Ephesians 1: 7 to 10 and I felt a little secured. It reminded me of a what blessed hope is. That even if all things fail, I still have the God.
I really wanted to be refreshed and go back to the way I was before but it seems very hard. I often think about the idea that had I known that this is the way it feels to be away from the Lord I could have been more careful. More sensitive.
In some instances I would be like a charged magnet, not letting go of Him. But I let go. I failed. I failed miserably.
If you are reading this and you cannot relate, it is not your fault, it is more of an outlet for me (in fact all I wanted is for Him to read this, but I know that even before I wrote this He already knew that I will be writing this, and then therefore He knows the desires of my heart) I wanted to go back to the way it was before with Him but I don’t know how.
In the first place it was my fault that I am so far. I wanted to be carefree again, pleasing nobody but Him, thrive in his words, live the way He wanted me to live…
Being a believer (if that is the proper way to address it) is hard than most people could imagine, it’s a roller coaster and the safety belt that you have is your faith.
I pray every waking moment that I could be worthy of being His child again.
No answer yet. Or maybe nobody is worthy.
I feel so dumb.
Ps. but its okay great people are not always wise.
And even if I don’t get it I have the word of God to live by “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. (Psalms 30:5)”
As I write this piece I have been walking like a zombie for days. I have no idea if by any chance you have had experience this feeling of ‘uncertainty’. For six years I have been teaching college students and then suddenly one morning I felt as though I am no longer effective.
I know that this may sound a little immature or even shallow but I feel as though my honeymoon with teaching is over.
I have taught hundreds of college students. Each I tried my very best to have personal relationship. Each subject I teach I make it a point that I would put my heart into it. Every lecture that I will deliver is carefully thought of and that every possible question that my students might ask me I carefully plot down.
Then one morning, I just realized…I am no longer effective.
My students are bored.
My preparation is not enough.
My thoughts are unacceptable.
I feel lost. A few years ago I would often joke about the ‘fact’ that I’d grow old teaching and that I might even die while teaching.
And then suddenly, like a thief, my passion, my direction was snatched away from me.
I don’t know what to do.
As if I am waiting for God to just tell me, give me specific instructions on what to do with my life.
I don’t know which is more scary-
That I finally knew that teaching is not for me or å
That after teaching what will I do.
* chuck thank you sa laptop. may outlet na uli ako.