It has been a month.
And I hate to admit that there is a moment of panging pain because I truly miss Chuck and the situation makes it harder because we still see each other, talk, laugh and do things together- in a different manner. Not as a couple but as friends.
But like what I have said before you call this obedience.
Last Monday I talked to one of my students and asked her if she wanted to ‘accept’ and conduct one to one. As expected she was clueless but really curious and so we did.
I was surprise on how easy it was for me to tell her about the ‘good news’ and how God have been searching for her and welcoming her as His daughter.
Just when I thought things would be really hard, God would make a joke and make me realize that I have little faith in Him.
Backtrack to earlier this week.
This week I was really busy dwelling over the fact that one of my ‘former’ co-professor does not like me, and what makes it hard is that I am clueless on why she hated me. But never the less I said sorry in different ways because I felt guilty and honestly I don’t feel good when someone hates me (which according to my sister is a BAD move, because of what i did she (the one who hates me)might think that truly i did something bad). Still, she didn’t forgave me.
I was devastated and in question. I felt that I am not worthy in preaching His words because somebody hated me. I felt that I do not ‘walk the talk’. I lost my self-confidence (because the person that hated me was weak and people perceives her as somebody nice for the reason that she is weak, which again, according to my sister is a load of CRAP, not becuase you are weak you are good, nobody is good except God, she told me that i am typecasting, she also claimed that she knew a lot of weak individuals that are conniving and really BAD, they capitalize on their weakneses so that they could manipulate people around them and at thesame time appear meek and innocent- and yes my sister is younger than me).
Then, just like that I hated God, I think I made it clear. That day I did not pray, read my bible or even mentioned His name. I did not preach his words and I made it clear by telling Him that ‘I hate him!’
Late that afternoon I felt senseless, I even texted my friend that I will still and again say sorry to that person, I got her number and texted her, in fact I even called her house but she was asleep.
The senseless feeling overcame me and I felt weak because I wanted to serve Him. Only Him. That a day without talking to Him or about Him is driving me crazy.
Honestly, I cried a lot.
I thought I was crying because somebody hated me, then later on I realize I was crying not because someone hated me but because I hated God. ‘May LQ (lovers quarrel)kami’.
Immediately, I opened my bible, read my devotion and ask for his forgiveness. I was on the book of Acts. I read the story of (Saul) Paul. And it appealed to me differently. Here is a man who hated Christ but at the end of the day His presence was so powerful that all that is left to do is to surrender.
Now, when I think about it, I am clearly, just like what my cell mate said ‘I am inlove with God’. Other people, they freak out. Why freak out?
For Meg. I am over it. I can’t please everybody and I don’t want to please the world. You are correct believers and unbelievers we are ALL subjected to God. Another, my first decision not to talk about it is wrong. I should have talked about it (but not dwell) I was bothered because she doesn’t like me but I have to thank her because she made me closer and trustful to God, just when I thought we (God and Me) were tight there were still room for improvement.
And for Dhanilyn, welcome to the majestic world of christianity, where trials about one's character, daily miracle and wisdom abounds.