Sunday, January 30, 2005

a confession of a prodigal daughter

I have something to confess.
For the last two weeks I have been a really mad about God.
I would say that we are not in speaking terms.
My journal only contains hate notes about Him.
My prayers are all but routines and an immense silence that only send one strong message to Him ‘I hate you’.
But just when you think you have every right to be mad at Him he has a subtle way of telling you that what you're doing does not compare to what he had done two thousand years ago…
I have been a faithful daughter but what I don’t understand is that every promise that He told me, none of them came true (yet). I started to wait but waiting can be very tiring, waiting can be very draining. I started to rebel. But what is so interesting is that even if I rebel I can’t bear to show it for the people to see. It's like it's a family affair that I don't want people prying over the 'issues' that my Father and I have to deal with.
One of the entries in my journal goes like this- 'I have been a good daughter, I have been faithful, I have been
a worker. And You, my God, You don’t even notice. Not even a single word. A word of approval, of praise
not even a hint that you are pleased! Are you to busy playing favorites? Am I not worthy in your eyes, do
I not have your favor?'
Slowly the pain in my heart grew bigger, day by day it's like I have been moving an extra mile away form Him.
It even became worst when I have been asking him to give me time so that I could commune with him, so to fix all
of this mess, but the exact opposite happened I was bombarded with work, I can’t even read my bible without interruptions.
God has given me so much pain that I started to be distant. silent. unwilling.
Then the unforgettable happened.
He spoke (I’m not going unto details about it). He said loud and clear that He had taken notice of what I have been doing, He said that I will soon hear from Him, that I have been faithful and that faithfulness will soon have its rewards, and He said that His words will not return to Him empty handed, that I will be a blessing to other people. That 'my daughter there will be bigger platform in the ministry for you. He even said the familiar line that recurred in every page of my journal 'Don't worry my daughte, I will be using you'.
Eversince I have been a christian all i ask is for God to use me, to speak for Him. To let other people know that He exist. I was in awe.
But this time it’s like I was hit by a truck. All along I have wanted to have a confirmation from Him, an approval but what he had given me is more than what I have asked for.
I ask for time with Him, he had given me Eternity. I ask for a communion with Him,
He made me his daughter.
This time waiting can be very exciting.

Grace Bible Church