Thursday, December 09, 2004

fear factor

I was astounded by what had happened to me last Thursday. A few months ago, My cell leader and I had long been talking about my problem regarding my ‘false humility’. Yep! I have that. I have false humility.

False humility means not genuine or real; assumed or designed to deceive; hypocritical act of submission or courtesy.That you are not comfortable when people give you compliments. And in my case, it is a big deal because (not to be proud) I do receive a lot of compliments and the common comments is that- even if I say ‘thank you’, it seemed so half-hearted, insincere and impersonal.

And my cell leader noticed it, she told me about it and I have to admit that truly I am not comfortable receiving compliments, that it would be better if i would not receive any. Then we both agreed that we will search its origin. Where it is coming from.

Fast forward to last Thursday.

I had coffee with two of my most beloved prod (production) friends and on the spot my work on our last production was assessed. Our director told me that I could have had the complete package (attitude wise, skill wise and interpersonal wise) except for one thing…I have fear in my heart.

Of course I found it absurd. Me? Fear? What? It is not designed in that manner.

So I asked him to explain. He said that I am not bold enough. That even if I have the skill I am in constant terror, I couldn’t even bring myself to lift my own status much more to say ‘thank you’ if people would lift me.

Paralyzed was the correct term applied to my state that very moment.

And its true, the reason why I am not comfortable with compliments is that I am afraid, scared, petrified.

'Of what?' you may ask. Of the possibility that I might become proud or boastful. And If I become proud/conceited, God would have to humble me and that is where my fear is rooting.

The fear that God might do something dreadful to correct me if I become arrogant.

I thought it was quite good to fear God, but my fear in him made my growth inert, which is wrong. I cannot hide from god’s correction and even if I did, I would be the one on the loosing end because I will not grow and the worst part is that I will never feel how God help individuals grow. As I have read in the bible ‘endure hardship and discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are an illegitimate children and not true sons (Hebrews 12:7-8).

Would I deprive myself of Gods ability to demonstrate his perfect will.
No. Not even by a long shot.

Grace Bible Church